Dribblings of a sleep deprived mind.

It's almost 3:00 in the night, can't get to sleep no matter how hard I try and I just had this thought occur to me. I was just thinking about there being a possibility well actually a very high one at that too that I might not ever see some of the people I know or have known in my life ever again. Wow, I mean just pause for a moment and think about it, give it a minute to sink in, it's such a profound and somewhat sad but at the same time a reality and thought that eve n though all of us may be sub-consciously aware of but might have never understood what it really meant. Imagine if you had to write down the names of all the people you have known since say your schooldays for example, all your friends, your classmates, people on your tennis team, your teachers, your crushes, some of whose names you remember and some you just remember by their faces. It would be such a big list and you haven't even moved passed your school yet. I don't know what kind of emotions or feelings this is going to elicit in different people but for some reason I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness thinking about it today. I just closed my eyes for a moment and was trying to think of some of those people and try to picture their faces and I can't help but realize how many of them I can't even remember fully. It's like I can remember or recall a nose or eyes, the way someone walked, the way someone dressed or parted their hair, and some of them no matter how hard I try doesn't register anything. I might be acting in an overly dramatic or melancholic way about this while thing but I think that this is just another amazing and incredible quirk of human nature if I may call it so. There might be some people that you actually would be happy to not be ever seeing again as they say bury the past in the deepest depths. But, what about those that you don't want to ever forget, someone very dear to you, close to your heart, what about them? It must be heart wrenching to even entertain the thought that you might never see that face again, hear that voice again, feel that reassuring presence again. Human beings are incredible creatures, Gods best creations, capable of such amazing feats and faculties and I can't help but think that this subject that I am writing about might just be their most wonderful and most intriguing capability. 

 Well, I don't know if this is just a load of garbage or the thoughts of an insomniac but it certainly is something to ponder over even if it may be just for a brief moment. But I guess if there is one thing that I can think of a take away from all this is that we should not wait till tomorrow or next week or next month to say hi, to reach out to, to say a kind word to, or say how much you appreciate someone for all they have done, and hopefully it will be the first step in removing all those cobwebs that have slowly encroached all over your memories and will bring a small sliver of happiness in our lives, because that is something we all can do with a little bit more of.

What if

I don't know if this would be worth anybody's time or not, but I want to do it for myself, I guess I am looking for a sense of closure to provide a medium to my feelings which are pent up inside me and my heart.
Anyways I wanted to write about, the emotions and feelings that someone can make you experience and aware of, how someone can touch your life in such a profound and life altering way, and the most amazing thing is that this can be someone you have never met, never seen in person, never even talked to, but still felt like they are a part of your life, part of you, and I guess most importantly part of the picture you want your tomorrow to be.
To love someone and to know that you are being loved, is the most overpowering yet a very humbling experience at the same time. Its like the feeling of warmth of the early morning sun on a fall day, or a balmy breeze for a parched soul, like the feeling of having all your prayers answered. You feel like you can fly on the wings of the wind, distances of a thousand miles don't seem to matter, you feel like you can just stretch your hand and feel the presence of that someone, just close your eyes and there they are.
But then life steps in, you are confronted with the harsh realities of life. You start to think about the "what if's" , responsibilities, and consequences. I wish that I could make things go the way I envisioned them to be, a life spent in the company of someone, its like a knot in your throat, like something is always gnawing at your heart, like a feeling of emptiness. People say that time is the best medicine and life goes on no matter what, but you are never really able to let go off those moments, those memories, they stay with you for the rest of your life, its like a part of your being, your existence has left and all that is left is a void which no matter what you do, whoever you meet, where ever you are never will fill.
Not a day passes by without me thinking about what could have been, how things would have turned out to be, there are times when I cry, I stare in the distance as if waiting for a miracle to happen, hoping against hope, that somehow things will work out, but whatever happens, I will always love you, you will always be in my heart, in every beat of it, in every breath I take. I hope for nothing but the best for you, hope that you will find someone who can give you what I could only dream of, that you will find love and that love finds you.
Thank you for everything and thank you for being you.

  

What is satisfaction ?

These days as I have more time on my hands, I have been trying to figure out what is satisfaction?. I know you might say that its the feeling you get when you have done something succesfully. Or as the dictionary puts it "it is the fulfillment or gratification of a desire or a need". But then I start to wonder are we really ever satisfied with what we do ?.
I remember when I was a kid in school, getting good grades and being the teachers favourite student gave me great satisfaction. But then I would always feel why didn't I get more marks than the other guy? As I grew up doing good in sports made me feel happy and satisfied. Then I thought getting a good job and earning enough money was what would make me feel satisfied. But now as I think about it I feel that I was wrong. I have a good enough job and am earning more than I'd ever thought I'll do, but satisfaction still eludes me. I feel an emptiness a void in my life. I guess I always thought of satisfaction in terms of material things, worldly things. I never tried to satisfy the yearnings of my soul. Sometimes people say that contentment is synonymous to lack of ambition. But now I have come to realise how great a virtue it is. The day we learn how to be happy and content with what we have, and try and find joy in all the small things in life. We will have sown the seeds of true satisfaction in our hearts.
I know you might say that satisfaction has different meanings for different people. But whatever little time I have spend on this earth, has made me realise that unless we don't listen to our heart and soul we will never know the true meaning of satisfaction.